Death Of The Tolkien Purist
by worcester sauce
Summary: I apologise sincerly to all LOTR authors if this story refers to that of their own in any way ... I assure you it is not intended. yes it is and that it is merely a comical stereotype um no of LOTR fanfiction. Go on... read it, you know you want too..heeh
1. Default Chapter

This story does not belong to any genre in particular. It is, as the title suggests, a rip off of all the fanfics that cause pain to the 'purist' readers. For example: no serious plot, multiple fictional characters added in here and there, mythical creatures of every kind imaginable (whether they are in the book or a different one) no perception of distance or time and the many many more. In this story I shall endeavour to included all of the above, the many many more,and worst of all ...Caitlin and Kaitin!

A/N: If anyone has read any stories that they have found so annoying that they would rather die a slow and painful death eating excess shards of metal 5 inches long then to read them again, please let me know. New ideas would be appreciated.

Enjoy

Disclaimer: Don't own anything!

The intro scene setter thing

Imagine, a world soon to be at war, a world suffering evil that needs to be extinguish with more then just a bucket of sand or water. Imagine, the evils 2 year old girl child toddling around a dark room within the safe gaze of her warm caring nanny, Nazgul number 1, or as you and I know him, the witch king. Stop imagining, it's real, and this little girl is the only child of Souron.

The screen zooms in on the small round face of Kaitlin, knocks into her hard on the forehead, and zooms out a little. Kaitlin lifts her pudgy hand to her head and screws up her eyes. The eyes water, and she lets out a squeaky howl and runs over to her nanny for a cuddle. The nanny looks around the room with confusion.

500 miles away, the 12th and youngest daughter of the good, is burning ants with a small shard of glass, although only a toddler. She is Caitlin, the daughter of the elven lord Elroond, and is already taller then him.

Screen zooms in on Caitlin, Elroond walks into the frame tutting at his large daughter. He prizes the shard out of his daughter's hand, Caitlin screams with annoyance, then thumps her father back out of the frame, there is a pained groan in the background.

This is the story of those two children switched at birth by a careless hoddit nurse.


	2. Chapter 1 introducing CAITLIN

A/N Thankyou to those who have already reviewed! If there is anything that cheers me up on a bad day, it's getting reviews, no matter if they are good or bad, helpful or not. You know the ones I would prefer though. This is the first chapter, the introduction of CAITLIN. I hope you have a good laugh reading it, and if you have any weird things you would like me to add into the story, please let me know. ï

Ps: There was no harming of any creatures (mythical or real...we don't know) in the making of this story.

'Dad!! Give it back!' Caitlin whined, and soon began chasing her father with an imp powered chain saw. 'That's my thing!'

'No it's not, this thing belongs to Froodoo!' Panted the tall (yet smaller then his daughter) Elf lord Elroond at a fast trot.

'No it's my thing!'

'No it's not dear,'

'Yes it is, that thing belongs to me,'

'Ok,' Lord Elroond surname Spooon, stopped and straightened his glassless glasses, 'what does this thing do?'

'Ur, It turns people invisible when they put it on.'

'Put it on!? Put It On?! How can you put a thing on? It does stuff, Okay? and it is not yours. So nar!' Elroond turned and sprinted off into the distance. His grey floppy toupe (with accent) flopping with each nobly stride.

'Ooh I'm going to pound the living daylights out of him when he is senile!' Caitlin sat down heavily on the grass, at the age of 600 000 her father still was too fast for her. It was his nobly kees.

She was six foot 5 and had small horns protruding from either side of her head, just above her ears. Her long light brown hair curled slightly at the bottom, (it always did that when it rained) and her green eyes (that were outlined in heavy black eye liner) flashed an angry red. The youngest and tallest of her 12 sisters, and, 14 brothers, she was surprisingly not mentally damaged, which was usually the scenario for the youngest of an army of heavily doped up and disturbed siblings, in fact, it was the other way round. Her oldest sister Arwen thought herself to be a marshmellow, her twin brothers Aladin and Alrohoy had been missing for a few years until they were found disguised as unicorns in the local forest, Marwen, Darwen and Karwen's ears had dropped off for no apparent reason, the list was endless. Caitlin was thought to be linked with these happenings, as before she had been 'born', the Spooons had been one big happy family.

She really did have it hard; her only enjoyment in being in this Manicly happy place was beating up its Manickly happy habitants. She couldn't even do that any more, on every door in the whole of Rivendale, were security bars, made out of Mithroll. The chamber of her Mother and Father even had it, since she was 4 when she pretended to have a nightmare so as to be allowed in. Once she had tried to pop out her Mother's eyeballs with a spoon, and succeeded, it had been locked off from her forever. 'It's a good thing Elves can grow new eyeballs little missy,' stated Elroond to his daughter, shortly after the accident/experiment, 'if she had been a hooman, she would be blind!'

Caitlin thumped the tree next to her, it shook. Why hadn't she tried to pull out the teeth?! Her intentions were never bad, until now, at the age of 15, she felt like killing everyone around her with the very imp powered chainsaw in her hand. The chainsaw's humming slowed, then stopped, the blades slowed, then stopped.

'Oh bugger.' Caitlin muttered, then started fiddling around her long black, Gothic over coat. The saw had run out of imp, really, she must stop being so careless, leaving it running like that. 'ahh.' She unzipped a moving packet, and pulled out a handful of squealing, little imps, then promptly stuffed them into the small box like compartment on the side of the saw. She closed the lid, in a matter of seconds (after the small screams had subsided) there was a faint frying smell. Imp powered chainsaws had been band for years; luckily; Caitlin had found this antique one in the local museum.

She had made a few alterations since then, for one thing, it had been band because the imps often died of exhaustion from pushing the wheels round and round, now, they died from being dosed in petrol from sprinklers above, then set alight. The heat from the burning imps boiled the water that created the steam that powered the wheel that made the sharp bits turn.

Kill everyone around her? Hmmm. Her thin scarlet lips curled into a smile. One of those smiles those bad guys do in movies, when the camera zooms in on them just before they shoot the head off the good guy. She quickly turned off the 2-foot long chainsaw, and tried to hide it behind her back.

In that 13 years, Caitlin had lost her puppy fat (pity, she always liked sumo wrestling with the other children, which leads onto another story of one of her unfortunate siblings.(Let's just say she sumo sat on her over a drain grid...nasty...plastic surgery would not have sorted that one out.)) She was now very tall and slim, and Gothic. She never went outside without putting Fairy paste on, so she kept her porcelain complexion, porcelain. She had tried to dye her hair black to add to the look, but her horns got in the way so she gave up.

Caitlin walked slowly but briskly up to the centre of Rivendale; there on a platform was the bell (which you could only ring if there was danger about, it gathered everyone to that area fast) she took one high heeled boot step up on to the raised platform.

'Here it goes.' Her long fingers closed around the dangling rope thing you pull to ring the bell. She rang the bell, then screamed so as to get their attention.

'Help me! Oh help me!' Immediately a rush of Elves swarmed out of all their warm cosy little homes, like ants. They stopped suddenly, and there were a few over dramatic gasps heard from in amongst the crowd. Caitlin grinned, like a mad person, or someone who likes inflicting pain... or death on people.. (don't you just love the metaphors...). Then she pulled the chainsaw from behind her back and it started with a hrm hrrm hrrrmmmmmmm.

'Help me!' she squealed again, 'I'm going to Kill you all aha aha aha.'

A/N Like? Please review.


	3. Chapter 2 introducing KAITLIN

A/N Welcome to chapter 2, The introduction of KAITLIN. Thankyou so much to all of those that have reviewed! Thankyou for the suggestions too! (note the 'deep') This is a long chapter and I hope you enjoy it. Sorry if my grammar is not the best, every time I read over it I seem to miss many things out ...or in.

'Ahh!!! **GASP** AHHHHH!!!' Kaitlin screamed as she began running around the room in circles, 'GET it away from me! Hurry! Hurryhurryhurryhurry!' In the midst of her tantrum she had already squashed the culprit, a small red spider. Kaitlin then began screaming because, now, she had goo on her shoe. (and because she had actually killed something.)

The witch king bent down and scrapped off the spider goo, 'Uhoh, Thhelob ain't going to be too happy about thith,' he lisped/mumbled, throwing the spiders favourite child out of the window.

Kaitlin sat down heavily on her pink chair next to the dressing table; it was absolutely barbielicious! She was breathing heavily.

'Mith,' the nanny hesitated, 'why aren't you downstairth helping?'

'Helping with what?'

'The creathionth.'

'Of?'

'The ugly black thingth.'

'I'm not going down there! Ugly black things! Why should I help? I prefer creating beautiful, sparkly things.'

'But mith, your father witheth it of you.'

'Wishes? Wishes? He wishes me to marry that Sarahman! I'm not going to marry some transvestite with long white hair! He tints his eyelashes!' Kaitlin stomped her foot hard on the ground, her father had already began preparing the ceremony. It made her sick to the stomach to even think about it.

'It ith for your own evil, and for the evil of the country Mith.'

'I don't care, he's got wrinkles and he smells like weed.' The witch king sighed, for 15 years now he had been the nanny of the girl, and he longed to see her married off to some evil being, not because he wanted to be rid of her, but because he was really a sentimental old chap. In fact, Souron had often complained that he didn't spoil her enough. He would say, 'How do you expect her to grow up sour and twisted if she isn't properly spoiled? Discipline turns them into soft little wossy things. I want her to grow up expecting, no, demanding her own way. That's what makes an evil dictator.'

'Ok,' Kaitlin began to get up.

'NO NO NO! How many timeth have we been through thith?! You are the daughter of the future ruler of thith world! You don't give in to thome panthy half-dead old man in a black cape that ith really invithible! You thtand up for yourthelf! Don't lithen to anyone unleth you can get thomething from them. If they annoy you, you kill them! Underthtand?!'

Kaitlin's eyes began to water, and she screwed them up. In the 13 years since the default chapter, she hadn't really changed. She was still soft, and wossy, and easily reduced to tears. She was picked on at evil school for liking the colour pink, for wearing bows in her pigtails and not to mention for helping little Orcs when they fell over in the playground. After the horrible school experience, Souron had decided to have her home tutored. Sometimes Kaitlin wished she was in a different world, or somewhere far away, where people appreciated kindness and compassion.

'Stop shouting at me... please.' A small tear trickled down her cheek, the shower before the storm.

'NO! NOT PLEAthE! Demand! For example: thtop thhouting at me or I will cut your eyeballth out with AN IMP POWERED CHAINthAW!' (oh the irony)

Kaitlin sniffed, then sniffed again. Her rouge was now streaked with a few more tears. 'Fine, I won't go if you don't want me to.'

'URGGG!' Nazgul number 1 began hitting his head against the (pink) wall. It was pointless; she was so unlike her father or her mother. In the early days, they thought her soft nature was due to her mother's early death, what a wonderfully evil woman, a hell woman from ... hell. She had died when a stray lightning bolt struck her. After she had got her horns coated in the MeTaL Mithroll it really was not a good idea to go walking around her husbands work shop whilst he was creating.

'OK I am thorry! Jutht continue reading Kill Kill Kill and torture. You know your father ith particularly interethted in torture.' With that the cloaked Nazgul got up and left the room.

Kaitlin lifted the huge black book off the floor and ran her dainty fingers over the small iris sticker she had stuck indiscreetly onto her book. She was a pretty girl, with deep silvery grey/green/blue (depended on what she was wearing) eyes. She had long chocolaty brown hair, with a fringe that she had cut herself with a razor when she was too chicken to do her wrists (not encouraging it people! Not encouraging it). She was not particularly tall, but she made up for it with her _big _heart. A warm sticky, salty, shiny, sparkily, sapphire (but not blue) of a tear stung her face like an angry hornet with a big sharp pointy sting, as it slid down her cheek and landed with a plop on the book. (Most descriptive sentence... cough). 'Why was I even born,' she whispered. (I could go into describing that, but it was a rhetorical question.)

Suddenly there was a knock at the door, interrupting the basking in her self-pity. A long green face peered through.

'Kaitlin man, your father dude wants to talk to you stud,' the ancient man wheezed, a pool of green unhealthy looking smoke poured out of his mouth, nostrils and ears, as he spoke. Kaitlin wrinkled up her nose in disgust, then coughed in an overly feminine way. If she ended up married to this, gangly white haired chain doper, the first thing she would do was to break his bondage to his youth, which was several thousands of years old. He stepped through the door crack and offered her a long bony anorexic hand. Kaitlin cringed, long nails ergh! She took it anyway though because it was the polite thing to do.

Sarahman tried to smile, but her, (sorry), HIS botox injections failed to allow him to do more then a ghost of one. Kaitlin closed the door behind her, and nearly tripped over Sarhman's long and clingy white ballgown. Kaitlin glanced up at HIS face again, she regretted it soon after as the contents of her stomach tried to creep up her throat. Yet again he had failed to dye his hairy black mono brow, white, along with the rest of his ridiculously long hair that seemed to grow longer every time she looked at him. Why?! Why would he dye his nose hairs, ear hairs and eyelashes before dying his eyebrows? She tried not to notice his cold clammy hands grow with temperature when he looked at her. She self-consciously felt the neckline of her black dress.

The hallway they were walking through was a plain gloomy stone passage, with lit candles trailing all the way down it. It was a little cold and draughty, (Kaitlin had complained about it to her father, but he said it was traditional,) and there was no carpet except for the brown dead moss that only slightly softened the atmosphere.

'Going up?' grunted the ugly slug like creature that was wearing a tuxedo stained with some unknown substance, as the tall mahogany doors of the lift opened in front of them. Sarahman nodded his head elegantly, and lifted his ballgown as he stepped inside.

The slug man nodded then pulled on a long cord and shouted into a tube, 'going up', that went down to a bunch of thoroughly starved mermaids on the bottom floor that had to push the wheel. Souron was not liked by the sea people. It was considered cruel to force mermaids to turn wheels on land when they had no legs to help push. In fact, they often slipped on the oiled tiles, and were whipped until they got up again. This was just a temporary thing because soon they would become too weak to push, and they were the only ones he had managed to catch on his fishing trip, as he was not the fisher. Soon they would be given a meagre pension then dropped off somewhere, maybe a desert if he didn't like them.

The lift began moving upwards, and there was an awkward silence that not even tasteful elevator music could lift. 'I wonder why Father wants to speak to me?' Kaitlin said aloud.

Sarahman shrugged, then said, 'Maybe, dude, because of what you did, man, to your tutor last weekend...stud.'

Kaitlin's eyes widened, oh, she just knew that would come back and smack her in the face!

A/N What do you think of the characters so far? Please review.

P.S this chapter especially, is dedicated to my crazy friend Kaitlin.


	4. THE PLAN

A/N Thank you specially to those who reviewed chapter 2! Welcome to chapter 3 of this appalling story, that I am having loads of fun writing. I was thinking about adding a few Mary-Sues into it somewhere, and if anyone would like to make a guest appearance into one of the following chapters, please let me know. P.S, I can only take a few, so the first people to review will get the priority. Don't be offended if I change your personality a bit, it's just for a laugh. After all, I'm not really a horrible demon mentally unstable person... Or am I? Aha aha ahaaa.

Caitlin stared at the crowd for an excessively long time, waiting to see if anyone was going to wet their pants with shock. Someone gasped again in the audience. Caitlin turned her head to look at the culprit, he was tall and blond with long hair and an amused smile smeared across his Elven face. That's it, she'd wipe that grin off of his face... with the chainsaw.

'Prepare to wet your panties smartass,' she said raising the chainsaw above her head. To her disappointment, he treated the threat as an empty one. The Elven dude snickered, then began walking off in the opposite direction, slowly. That was when Caitlin felt a sharp metal thingy touch the small of her back. She winced, 'oh Gods, why did I have to dawdle like that! I could have lobbed all their heads off with one throw of the stupid chainsaw.' (It was shaped nearly exactly like a boomerang.) She realized she had actually said her thought aloud as the sharp metal thing pierced the first layer of her skin. That's right, you should be scared! She thought, this time in her head. Good, they know I mean business. The Elven dude stopped and turned around, and nodded matter-of-factly. Oh great, some pansy Bimbo was telling her what she should and shouldn't do, if she saw him again, she'd saw him. (hee hee, corny puns).

'Now, now Caitlin. Be a good girl and follow me to my office room,' Elroond cooed, 'we are going to have a talk about your actions today.' Caitlin stomped her feet in frustration, narrowly missing Elroond's toes. He was just too quick! Caitlin felt the knife release its pressure on her skin, and she turned around to face her spoil sport.

'Oh it's you Smelladan, out of your Unicorn costume are you, where's my other darling brother Smellrohir? Or is he too mental damaged now to run around after Daddy like you do?' Caitlin grinned evilly when she saw Alladin's eyelashes begin to moisten.

'Leave me alone you- you hell thing!'

'Oh, a compliment, how nice. Oh, I'm going to kill you one day, my darling brother, you and your family.' She whispered the last sentence, and her mood increased drastically when she saw him flinch. She began to follow Elroond at a leisurely past.

They went down many corridors, until they reached a huge metal door with a ridiculously large amount of security settings. Caitlin's lips curled into a grin, really, they wasted all of this money, they could just get it over and done with and let her kill them all now.

After five minutes of prodding several buttons, and turning several locks, they entered the office room. There in the corner sat a hypnotized elf with long black, patchy, hair, totally dressed in pink and rocking backwards and forwards. Caitlin caught the elf's gaze, then licked her lips dramatically, causing the elf to erupt into fits of hysteria... i.e.: PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!

'Stop teasing your poor deranged sister, you should feel guilty, you were the one that made her like that,' said Elroond to Caitlin.

'Funny, I don't feel anything except satisfaction,' she replied nastily. There was a snicker at the other end of the room, where the blond Bimbo from before was standing. Oh Gods no, she had thought it had been an illusion. He was standing in Forest Warden uniform. She just knew he was a pansy Bimbo. Elroond shot the young male elf a nasty look.

'Nice to see you have arrived safely, Prince Legolas,' said Elroond, 'and thank my floppy grey topee you are not staying.' He mumbled loudly under his breath. Elroond averted his gaze back to Caitlin, and forced a smile. 'You will be pleased to know we have something planned for you my daughter.' Caitlin's eyes widened in horror... NO. 'From now on, you will be attending Celetape's Warden school for discipline for nasty asses and training for future prosperous March Wardens. Seeing as you can rule the "prosperous" out, guess why you are going.' For an old Elf, Elroond could be kinda hurtful.

'YEAH! GOOD ONE DAD!' shouted Alladin. Elroond held a palm out in the air and Alladin hit it, the sound made a kind of wet fish falling on the ground noise. Caitlin shuddered, and she was surprised to see that so did Bimbo prissy prince in the corner. OH this was just dandy; she'd have to wear that stupid uniform, sky blue for males, and probably a pansy pink/brown mixture for the other gender. Suddenly it hit her (or more likely tapped her, anything that tried to hit Caitlin usually ended up paralyzed from the neck down... or up), only males were aloud to attend that school.

'What about the gender issue dad? If you haven't noticed, I am female?'

'They have made special allowances for you, my dear, besides, I have heard another of your gender shall be making an appearance, so you can bunk with her.'

Well, hey? Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, to think there would be a whole school full of elves to mentally damage, and it could be, a kind of project!

'Ok then,' said Caitlin, cheerfully to her father's disappointment, 'just make sure you pack my chainsaw.'

A/N Hope you all like this chapter, please review.


	5. THE PLANFOR KAITLIN

**A/N A Big thank you to ****Aranel3**** and ****Sangfroid**** for reviewing chapter 3! It would be really great though if everyone who read the chapter reviewed, because then I could get the feed back from the people who do like the chapter, and if not, what have I done wrong. This chapter is a little surreal. **

**PS: Still looking for Mary-Sues.**

'DING DING DING DING!' The ugly creature wailed as the door began to open. 'Oh, you did want the top floor didn't you? Only this is my first day, an- and I'm not very good at this yet.'

'Oh, this is the right floor... stud,' Sarahman muttered, and stepped out onto a platform, 'would you mind coming out for a second dude, yes, step over there thankyou man, further back now, back, back...-.'

'Arrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Gasp ahhhhh hhhh....'

'Much better... man. I just cant stand incompetent ugly dudes, he really should have known what the job involved before he applied-.' A loud throat clearing noise, that interrupted the nanny's ranting.

'Oh, sorry my lord dude.'

'That's all right, Sarahman, but next time, think of the mess that has to be cleaned up, you do realize there is a forty thousand foot drop.' Thundered a loud and vehement voice.

Kaitlin strained her hearing, and sure enough, there was still the faint screaming, it was a little raspy, but it was still there. She looked around, there was the lift behind and a small building with a hose pipe, but apart from that, there was nothing else on the ground level.

'48, 49, 50... oo oo, it should be on fire now,' the voice commentated. There was a surprised shout from below as the ugly black thing ignited. '59, 60 ... only 5 minutes left now! Oh Kaitlin, hello dear, had a bad day so far? Hmm?'

Kaitlin looked up, far up into the beady pupil of one huge fiery red/orange/yellow eye. (The iris was made of fire) 'Yes. Thank you dad.' The eyeball was suspended between two tall spiky things.

'Now, what did I do wrong to deserve this horrible surprise?' The eyeball asked nicely.

'Oh... it's, it's about what happened to the tutor, you wanted to have a word with her Lord dude.'

Souron's eye darkened. 'Oh dear, yes, dear dear me, really my daughter, how do you expect someone to react, if you come into your study room, and hand your teacher... oh, It's too unthinkable to say...' he gasped, 'hand your teacher... a present, a _THANKYOU_ present, AND a bunch of _PRETTY_ flowers? It may have been all right if it was a bunch of rotten old smelly ones, but no, they had to be _beautiful...pink...daisies_. WITH a thank you card.'

Kaitlin was staring at the ground scuffing her shoes with embarrassment.

'You do realise he has now gone totally, and utterly insane. The last news I heard from him was yesterday, when one of my minions spotted him picking flowers out in the countryside, and... and singing...' The eyeball cleared its throat, which you would think was not really possible. '_The hills are alive, with the sound of music, la la la laaaa_. Not only was he singing, but well! Very well indeed.' The eyeball paused when he noticed a tear had landed on the floor, his daughter was crying.

'Now now, don't be sad, I'm sorry for being loud. I know it's hard not having a mother's influence around the place. Oh how I miss Evella!' The eyeball started to water, and as you can imagine, an eyeball made of fire is likely to be extinguished with watery tears. There was a loud tisssssssssssssss sound, like when you put a fire out. (I know it doesn't sound logical, after all, he had no tear ducts, but no good stories are.)

'Um, a little help here, you know, I have no arms to help myself THANK you very much.' A large mountain troll appeared. 'Yes, Yes, the petrol is there in the corner, in the hose. Hurry Hurry I'm getting cold here!' Kaitlin looked up to see a small charcoal black pupil suspended in the air. The air was awfully cold up here. No wonder Souron wanted a fiery iris, instead of a watery one, the water one would have frozen. The large mountain troll un-coiled the hose, and opened a small flap on the black pupil, and put the hose nozzle inside. 'Ouch, careful there clumsy!' There was the load motory noise that you get when you are filling the car up at a petrol station. The troll pulled a match box out of its dungaree trouser pocket, lit it then stuck it in the hole where the petrol was. There was a loud wooooooossssshhhhh noise, as Souron's iris ignited once again.

'Where were we, oh yes, no, _eye_ mustn't get upset all over again. HAH! Did you get that one Sarahman?'

Sarahman nodded, 'yes my Lord dude, very nice pun there.'

'Well my dear,' said Souron as he got back onto the subject. ' I have decided to send you to a very special school that will teach you to be tougher.'

Kaitlin snapped her head up to look her father right in the eye. She was looking rather hurt. 'Oh dear, you know I don't mean to be an _eyesore_ honey, Hee Hee, but it's for your own good! I am sending you to Celetape's Warden school for discipline for nasty asses and training for future prosperous March Wardens. Obviously, you are none of the above, no matter how much I wish you were a ..._ nasty ass_, but they assure me that they do a very good job of toughening nancy wosses up.' Souron rolled his eye when he saw Kaitlin's begin to well up with tears again.

'But it's full of boys DAD!'

'I know, _eye_ know. They have made an exception for you my dear. And if anyone, anyone is nasty to you, tell him your father will personally fry them up, and eat them for dinner. Oh, I have heard that another girl has been accepted, so, you've got someone of your own species to talk to.' Kaitlin nodded and sniffed.

'Ooo oo- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!...' A loud splat noise echoed throughout the valley, and Souron looked particularly cheerful. 'Right ON TimE!'

'OK Dad,' Kaitlin gave in, after all her father was going to be the supreme ruler of the world, so she had to be ready to take over if he passed away, ' just make sure you pack Mr. bunny though will you?'

**A/N thanks for reading, please review! ï**


	6. The JOURNEY begins: for CAITLIN

A/N Welcome to chapter 5 of this atrocious story! Thank you so much to SirNotAppearingInThisFilm, legolasina,and, to the leader of the Mary-Sues Kirsten! (The leader of an army of over one thousand Middle-earth-dropping-into-Mary-Sues.) Here's chapter 5 BVW (beware...very....weird) PLEASE review!

Caitlin swung her imp-powered chainsaw around and around, radiating an air of defiance. She had been allowed to take it on her journey, but only because Elroond had deprived her of Imp. As a matter of fact, Rivendale was fast becoming an imp refuge, and Caitlin had only been out of it for approximately 7.68 seconds.

Caitlin stopped and turned around to take one last look at her childhood home. She had grown up entirely in Rivendale, it was where she first drew breath, first walked, first mentally, and physically damaged someone. There was movement in one of the bushes by a house and her eyes automatically darted to that area. There in the bush squatted the mentally inefficient Arwen, and one of her ear-less sisters Darwen. (funny, she hadn't seen her for a while, someone must have found her in the cage Caitlin had hidden in the back of her walk in wardrobe. Caitlin had forgotten all about that. Then she wondered if they had found Marwen yet.) Alladin was standing protectively next to the 'marshmellow,' with a huge grin on his face, it was a pity Caitlin hadn't managed to break him thoroughly, but there was always the holidays. To Caitlin's amusement Alladin thrust up his middle finger at her, Darwen face paled, and she leaned in to whisper in her brother's ear. Alladin's facial expression quickly changed from triumph to dread. Darwen had obviously explained that Caitlin _was_ coming back for the holidays.

Caitlin sighed, she wished her mother could have been here to see this, but alas, Lady Celebrime had already sailed to the West, all physical and mental self in tact.

'Hurry up,' cried a voice from above, in the tree tops, 'it's bad enough that we have the danger of escorting you, but we have to carry your baggage too, and do you know how incredibly heavy these bags are?!' There was a chorus of other 'YEAHS' from around the same area, at least fifteen of them. Caitlin snorted, then continued walking.

Why did all the elves in Rivendale have to be wossy? Her 'escorts' were up in the tree because they didn't want her to see their faces in case she wanted revenge or to beat them up or something. That was the strange thing about Caitlin, she wasn't particularly tall (Elroond was just short, most male elves were a good 3 inches taller then her), strong or even that clever, and yet everyone was terrified of her. She didn't really think about it in much detail. It was a gift, that was all there was to it. Caitlin flicked back her light brown hair, and a weird drooling noise from somewhere in the canopy, could be heard.

There was a muffled, 'Snap out of it Glor!' and another, 'don't look at her, or she'll possess you, especially don't look if she is,' swallow, '..doing the... hair flick.'

'I don't care any more! I want her!' There was a short punch up in the treetops. 'Thanks, few! Nearly got me that time.' That was the other thing, Caitlin wasn't even that pretty, and yet, males nearly fell out of trees for her.

'Glor...ay?' Caitlin said aloud, there were a few muffled gasps.

'Way to go Darendell!' said the one obviously nicknamed Glor. There were several more gasps.

'hmm Darendell and Glor-y... naah Glor-ia?' Caitlin mused.

'NO, That's a GIRLS name!' Darendell stated helpfully. There was an awkward silence from above. 'Oo... er, sorry, Glorfindel... Oh ST I'm sorry...No, NO!, hey! you just keep your distance buddy!' Caitlin stopped walking and listened intently. 'No.. You wouldn't, no, I didn't mean...I'm your best bud... You know that Glorfindel CP!'

There was a sickening slicing noise, and two crunches as Darendell hit the floor. To be totally an utterly honest with you, he landed on the floor after he passed _through_ Caitlin's Chainsaw, and then the two halves landed with a crunch on the floor. Even when not on and imp powered, the chainsaw was still a deadly instrument. Caitlin laughed richly.

'Oops, maybe I should have moved it.' The trees above were silent. 'What? It's not like I was the one who pushed him out of the tree.' Said Caitlin.

'Yeah Glorfindel! Now who's going to carry the bags Darendell was carrying?!'

'You can Nindac!'

'No way! Glorfindel can! He was the one who pushed Daren out!'

'No way! Legolas isn't carryin' anythin' so why can't he!?' There was another silence.

'Legolas! Holy COW! RUN!' Caitlin scowled; the prissy prince was ruining her fun.

'No need,' he said jumping down from the treetops, to the forest floor. The chaos subsided. 'By the way, my bags will be arriving soon, so if you all wouldn't mind carrying an extra 1 or 6.' Nobody dared to grumble. Caitlin was just staring at him. They were her servants! 'Ooooh nasty,' Legolas stated when he noticed Darendell's bloody... Corpses. He looked back a Caitlin, then stuck his hand out with an evil grin. 'As I haven't introduced myself properly...the name's Legolas, and I'd just like to mention what a huge fan I am of your work.' Caitlin was about to be flattered, when he added. 'But as you'll find out, mine is much better.'

A/N Thank you for reading, and remember, I still need two more Mary-Sues (deputies). If there is no one willing to be one, then I'll have to make them up. Oh also... Please review!


	7. THE JOURNEY begins: for morgaI MEAN KAIT...

**A/N Hello again readers, welcome to chapter 6. First of all, I would like to apologize for my atrocious French. (You will find out what I mean) Thank you to Pink Hardcore and AmberRose for letting me know how chapter 6 went. To Pink Hardcore, thanks for volunteering to be slightly crazy! It will be loads of fun to do, and you should be appearing (along with your sidekicks... yes, you get sidekicks!) in a few chapters time. And to KAITl.... I mean Morgan, I am sorry, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you are already in this story... and It would be exeptionally hard for you to be in two places at once. To all that have reviewed, Have a nice day. And to all that haven't, have a nice day, and please review. On with the story!**

'Farewell father!' Kaitlin called to the large floating eyeball, as she descended the large stairway. Tears were dripping heavily down he face, like golden syrup from a spoon.

'Have a horrid time, my darling. Don't be too nice to the pointy eared present wrappers will you now?' Souron felt moisture building up from some unknown crevasse in his eye, and desperately he fought back, petrol prices were on the rise. He was on his extendable suspension rope, dangling off the side of the tower. (The rope was several thousands of meters long) 'Mr. Bunny is in the top pocket of your suitcase.'

Nanny Nazgul number 1 was dabbing preciously at his invisible eyes. He picked up his white handkerchief, and began waving it in front of Kaitlin's tear stained face. 'Have a terrible time, earn lots of hatred, get rich on other people's sorrow, my dear. Come back an evil hell woman. Remember, we will be seeing you in the holidays.' Kaitlin sniffed wetly, then nodded, and then swung her arms around her darling nanny's neck.

'I'll miss you Nanny. 4 months is a long time.'

'Well, you can always write... oh, your father has a present for you.'

'Um? Oh yes, I've got a pretty, evil, corruptive ring here. When you put it on, I can see you, it also does another charming thing, I believe I heard it whispering a few days ago, said something like...' Souron cleared his throat... somehow? Then added with a hoarse hiss. ' _9 dayyyysssssss_. Then it went on reciting numerous, rather _improper _poems. Those silly dwarves must have done something to it when I gave it to them, always drinking and singing filthy songs, and of course these rings just repeat them like parrots. _Anyway_, you put it on, I can hear you and talk to you, and you can talk to me. Wonderful invention, shame about the ONE controlling ring, though, I have no doubt it will turn up soon. I just can't bare to think about all those people out there, with _free wills,_ they need discipline and mind controlling.'

Kaitlin smiled, and gratefully took the ring from her nanny. Sarahman was standing next to the witch king, looking as if he expected a hug. But Kaitlin just ignored him totally; after all, he was the one who was escorting her all the way to Lothloin.

'Sarahman. Pick up my daughters bags will you, and, if she gets taken away by nice fairies and pretty elves, _Eye_ will personally cut you up into a thousand pieces, and eat you. Got it?' Souron had obviously meant this as a threat. But what any normal, slightly intelligent person would have picked out, was that it was extremely unlikely that a large eye ball, could _personally_ cut someone up, and eat them, because an _eyeball_ tends to lack the necessary organs to do so.

Sarahman stood and gaped, as he was not normal, or even slightly intelligent, he took the threat as real, and terrible.

Kaitlin smiled at her father's protectiveness of her, and she turned around to face her small fat Olliphant, that was actually, not small, but very small, the size of a miniature _Shetland_ pony to be exact. The Olliphant stood there stupidly as Kaitlin sat herself down, and onto its carefully saddled back. Sarahman climbed onto the back of his mutated tree frog, lifting his ball gown as he did so. Kaitlin's bags were already strapped to the pony Saraman had on a leech (yes leech) next to him.

'BYE!' Kaitlin waved at her family, which consisted of her eyeball father, and not-even-there nanny. (Physically as well as mentally).

'Bye! Oh, there will be a guide meeting you half way, to lead you to the school!' Her father and replied enthusiastically. 'What was his name again, oh... um... Hald the Queer? No, not that, well you'll find it out when you meet him. Farewell my dear!'

Kaitlin kicked the Olliphant gently with her heels, and it began to trot clumsily in the direction they were to head. Sarahman's frog trotted along beside (as well as a frog can), with the pony on a leech trotting next to him.

The sun was only just up in the sky, there was a whole day of trotting ahead, a whole day tomorrow, and on the third day, they would hopefully reach the school by around midday. Two and a half days of riding, to get to the school 600 and more leagues away. There was plenty of time. (Refer to the default chapter if you are lost by the stories complete neglect of logic.)

The only problem of this for Kaitlin though, was that she had to spend that time with Sarahman. She decided then and there, that she was no longer going to be nice to him.

Suddenly, a... cunning thought popped into her head.

'Hey, Sarahman, do you want to see me do my... _impression?_'

'Um, okay, dude, man,' he replied stupidly, as only one who's mind has been totally devoured by drugs can.

Kaitlin cleared her throat and then said... 'J'adore les Grenoilles! Ils sont tres delicieux, particulierement leurs JAMBES! HEE HEE HEE HAW HAW HAW!' (Sorry about the French spelling, but to those who don't do French it translates to 'I love frogs. They are very delicious, particularly their LEGS! HEE HEE HEE HA HA HA!' I hope that helped you.)

Saruman just stared at her and said, 'I don' ge' it man?' But obviously the frog did. It paused, trembling for a moment, then leapt bow legged off into the distance, trailing Sarahman, and the pony on a leech, along with it. Sarahman was screaming hysterically, and there was aloud screech as the frog stopped, it was so stupid, it had actually forgotten why it was hopping speedily. Kaitlin giggled. Maybe this trip wasn't going to be so bad after all.

**A/N thank you for reading, and please review! Grammer tips would be wonderful, as, you may not have guessed (hee hee)... I am sadly without a beta.**


	8. The Very Pointless Conversation That Has...

**You may wonder why this is titled "The very pointless conversation", but I am sure once you have read it you will understand. It is indeed, pointless, and has no particular 'point', I suppose, in a way, some mary-sue stories are like this in a way. Sorry to all of those who missed me up dating in the past 3 weeks (especially to pink hardcore)! But I had exams and then one week of holidays at the beautiful Australian coast. (Jealous?) Now I have 8 weeks of no-school-time to write more of this pointless story, I will be updating every week again now. (ps there will be another Caitlin chapter after this, as it is so pointless, it does not really count as a satisfying chapter ) Thank you to my Mary-Sues to be! And to those that reviewed chapter 6. _Please review_, and tell me what your opinions are, of this, very, pointless, conversation. (By the way isn't Nindac a cool name? If I have a little boy when im older, it's definitely an original name.)**

Caitlin scowled as she lifted the spoon overflowing with tomato soup to her lips; she slurped loudly, swallowed, then elegantly placed her spoon back into the empty dish. Legolas had been ignoring her all the way through lunch. He was acting as if she wasn't there, a mere fly seated a few meters a way, vomiting over a dead animal, and slurping up the runny contents. What is he doing? Caitlin thought to herself, is he… is he admiring his reflection in the spoon? (Sorry, cliché I know). Vain and ignorant, he should at least treat her like a fly, _with_ an imp-powered chainsaw! She tenderly stroked her weapon's shiny blood stained surface. She needed to find some imp soon; perhaps there would be some at the _school._

'Are you people finished yet?' rang someone's voice from up above. 'Taking your time looking at yourself… _leggy lass_." The voice joked. There was a wolf whistle; it possibly left the lips of Glorfindal.

'I don't think you are in any position to joke, I know it's you Glorfindal, you don't want two enemies, and mummy won't be there to help you when I have stapled you to Shelob's backside.' Legolas replied casually. There were a few gasps, then silence. 'So,' Legolas went on staring into his soup as he spoke. 'Looking forward to school, aye?' The remark obviously aimed at Caitlin. She just scowled again, but of course, Legolas failed to observe that facial expression, as he was still too busy with himself.

'_Well_,' he sighed, 'someone woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning, either that or you've become a mute. Tell me, yesterday when you were swinging around your chainsaw, did your tongue get in the way?' Legolas winked provocatively at his reflection, gods, he was one lean mean good-looking machine. His smooth sculptured features, his silky, well-conditioned hair, his muscular manly body. If being good looking was a crime, the authorities would have thrown him in jail and swallowed the key before he had reached the age of one. Oh how all the women swooned as he walked past, that's why he had had to attend the all boys school, all the girls had failed their end of year exams because they were hypnotized. Of course since he started the new school the same had happened to a few individuals. That's probably why Caitlin wasn't speaking to him, she was already under his spell.

Caitlin snorted with laughter, and there was much the same reaction coming from above, Legolas looked up from his soup, it was only then that he realized he had said his private thoughts out loud.

'Attracted? To _you?_ You're more conceited and vain then I had first imagined,' laughed Caitlin. Legolas raised an elegant eyebrow in surprise; there was nothing wrong with vanity? 'You poor thing,' she added, 'the girls weren't hypnotized by your _astounding_ beauty, more likely they were more interested in how you most probably peered at your reflection in plastic rulers, or kept a nail file in your pencil case.' _Ouch, that hurt!_ thought legolas, she was mistaking his well groomedness for femininess. Well he would show her. His lips curled into a smile, despite his current feelings.

'You are much mistaken there, _Caitlin_,' he practically spat the last word out and ground it up into dust, before setting it on fire, 'I am just well groomed.' With this sentence he puffed out his chest, and smoothed out one of the creases in his sky blue jacket. 'Your jealous. Look at you, you've spent the last 3 or 4 days in the same grotty out fit.' Legolas looked Caitlin up and down in a disgusted way.

'That is where you are wrong, Oh Prissy Prince of Mirkwood,' he flinched, 'I have several copies of this out fit, and I am well groomed too, just not _obsessive_.' Caitlin stood up, leaving her dirty dishes on the floor for the 'bag carriers' to tidy, picked up her chainsaw, then started walking.

Legolas scrambled to his feet, leaving his unfinished and untouched food on the floor, and stuck his tongue out at the back of Caitlin.

'Er, Caitlin?'

'Yes Nindac?'

'Legolas just stuck his tongue out at you.'

'Thank you for letting me know, you shall be rewarded for that information, and Legolas will suffer,' said Caitlin, revenge audible in her voice.

'See, that's your problem,' announced Legolas as his ran up beside her, 'you are too obsessed with _revenge!_'

Caitlin sighed, this conversation was boring and pointless, and Legolas talked too much. 'Ok, I am obsessed with revenge, you are obsessed with yourself and talking, nobody is perfect, we are all obsessed with something, now can you _please_ stop talking to me? Your voice is as irritating to me as a swarm of mosquitoes sucking my blood dry whilst I am trying to sleep.'

Legolas was about to disagree with talking too much statement, because she had stated only one bad quality about herself (he could think of a million more), and he had two, then decided to shut his mouth, and bring an end to this _very_ pointless conversation.

**_Please review_, and tell me what your opinions are, of this, very, pointless, conversation.**


	9. Ignorance is not bliss: CAITLIN

**Hello! Here is chapter 8, hope everyone is enjoying the story! And that you all like this chapter! Thankyou to Pink Hardcore and Hotdogfish (awesome username.) for reviewing chapter 7! To the silent readers…Remember reviews are good…**

**WARNING: Very extremely definitely graphic mutilation of an annoying tree dweller! If you have a weak stomach, pretend it is a really bad foreign Kung foo movie (Not against Foreign movies, only really bad ones, and of course really bad other cultural movies to, cept with foreign one its funny cos you need subtitles) Not that that will really help. ALSO acute irritation to an inquisitive fox. Anyway, it's all for a laugh so enjoy every one!**

Caitlin sighed dramatically; looking up at the stars she wondered whether Darrendell was up there, smiling down on he… What was she thinking? She hated Darrendell! Well not hated, besides, it was his fault he fell on her chainsaw. It wasn't _her_ fault. Well, if Darrendell was up there… what about the imps? And Carwen? And the countless others that tried to make rules? Oh Gods! Good thing elves are immortal, Caitlin just had to stay away from death, and she would be alright, but then again, if she did die, imagine all the people up there who would want revenge on her!? Caitlin felt a bead of sweat trickle down the side of her cheek, paranoia, that's all it is. _Calm down_, she thought,_ if I managed to beat them here, I'll beat them up there. _She thought again_ hang on, it's not like I'm going upstairs anyway, down to the basement for me. I'll never have to see any of them again!_

Caitlin shuffled around in her sleeping bag, why were rocks so hard? She closed her eyes and listened to the sounds of the night. Nindac's bad sinuses - and Glorfindal's dreams. Damn it! How was she supposed to get to sleep with all that noise! Legolas made some grumbling noises next to her; he was obviously having problems too. Through the looming blackness of the night, she saw him sit up, grasp a rock from underneath him, and lop it up into the trees. There was a hollow thud, and an unconscious body settled its crumpled self onto the forest floor after dropping some 30ft. (Red woods, or maybe cedars.)

'Finally,' Legolas grunted, climbing back into his sleeping bag. There were no more murmurs piercing the quiet, only wet snoring.

'What about the other one?' Caitlin whispered. 'You can't just do one and not the other!'

'There aren't anymore stones big enough!'

'So! Improvise!' An auburn fox, which was busily rummaging through the food scraps of dinner, was rudely interrupted when Caitlin gave it a first class ticket too Nindac's nostrils.

'Hunh _sniff, snnif snnoort_ DEY! Shouted Nindac as best he could with a live fox shoved up his nostril. 'Dwat Dwas Dat DoR? I dort you dowed me!'

'I don't owe anyone.' Caitlin said quietly. This deadly tone of voice was used when she was on the verge of killing some one.

'Oh, Dokay…. Please don't durt me!'

Caitlin sighed, if there was one thing she really hated… it was begging. She lifted her chainsaw, and threw it up into the tree, there was a loud slicing noise, but it wasn't squishy, like the sound of chainsaw through flesh.

'Ha! You missed!' Cried Legolas. The boomerang shaped saw landed back in Caitlin's hand.

There was a creaking noise from above, and to Legolas' dismay, a branch came sailing through the air, landing only an inch away from his pretty face. Nindac followed with a sickening crunch, and a long low rattley death rattle. Nindac was no longer living, he was splayed out over the tree branch, body twisted in a distorted angle, and a few twigs sticking through the void where his brain used to be, (It went a liquidy because of the impact and ran out of his nose. If that would not have solved his sinus problem, nothing would.) (Sorry about the graphic ness!)

There was a long silence, which Glorfindal ended. 'Ohhh, we are going to the seaside?! Wow! I've never been there. It calls to me you know!'

Legolas whimpered, he had runny brains on his bag, that never comes out… he knew from experience.

'Well… That was a bit harsh wasn't it?' Drifted a quiet voice from above.

'No. It's now a well known fact I like revenge.'

'No- I don't mean that- I'm going to have to carry his bags now!'

'Shut up, otherwise I'll come up there, and you can find out how hard it is to carry bags with two bloodly stumps for arms, and if you're un-lucky likewise with legs.'

'Yeah Dinmar! You'd be _Leg-less_ then!' Shouted someone else; the trees erupted into laughter. Caitlin was even smiling.

'Oh sod off.' Grunted Legolas. To tell you the truth, he was a little upset about the jokes people made of his name. 'At least my name doesn't mean 'Born With Breasts' in the common tongue.' More laughter erupted throughout the trees, like a volcano. Brunwitbret wasn't laughing though.

Caitlin was nearly crying with laughter by this stage- then… it dawned on her- jokes were funny! Killing and torturing people were the closest she had ever got to joy. She could replace pernicious killing, with pernicious jokes. Unfortunately Glorfindal's remark made her lose her train of thought. 'Ohhhh, I do like to be beside the _seaside_. Oh I do like to be beside the _sea._ La la la la la laaa, la la la la la laaaaahh, la la lai, la leelee.' After this there was further laughter.

'Hey, how come Glor's not dead after that fall? Where's his runny brains.' There was a brief confused pause in the merriment.

'Duhhh!' said another elf. ' He doesn't have any!' More laughter, 'It dropped out his ear when he was on the trampoline!'

'Oh yeah! I remember now!'

'What about Caitlin- ha ha haaa!-,' by the mention of her name every one had stopped laughing, but this poor elf couldn't stop now- he was on a roll, 'she has practically got dog poop for hers! Look at her! She hit the branch instead of Nindac! What kind of shoddy aim was that?!' This was followed by solo hysterical laughter

Caitlin growled. 'Do you have a death wish?' A _Silence_.

'Er um, er she meant to do that.' Brunwitbret stated helpfully to the nameless elf. 'More imaginative then throwing the saw at him! You idiot! Do you want a saw through your empty head?!' The laughter stopped and the nameless elf whimpered.

In some cases... ignorance is not bliss.

**Reviews would be nice  So Please Review.**


	10. The Weirdest Thing: KAITLIN

**A/N Chp 9 very weird, very…very weird. Be warned! **

**But first to my reviewers, I apologise to the _essence of popsicles_, cos I intend to draw this story on for a painfully long time (not really). Thankyou to Shellmel, and yes I should read bored of the rings, I think my dad has it in the bookcase. To Gods Girl, glad you find it amusing. Thank you for reviewing the chappy to Hotdogfish, and SNAITF and KAITLIN (melamin venea)**

**I hope you all in joy this… chapter! It's extra long to say MERRY CHRISTMAS to you all! I hope you all have a lovely day! Ps, reviews are cool.**

Day two of travelling, day two of boredom, day two of Sarahman's insufferable annoyingness. Kaitlin had spent the night under a large apple tree, Sarahman had spent the night complaining to Kaitlin about gravity. She had woken up that morning with Sarahman's morning breath wheezing ' It's time to wake up Kaitlin, dude man,' and as you can imagine, was not happy. After a breakfast of tomato soup, Kaitlin now squatted on her olliphant riding into the distance whilst chewing her pureed mint leaves. (Middle age toothpaste.) Rolling plains of grass rolled out in front of her; some yellow as ripe corn, others as green as really mouldy candy-floss. Every now and again there were splashes of colour from newly opened flowers. Kaitlin used a long stick she had found recently to whack the heads off a few of those particularly cheerful ones.

Sarahman pulled his mutated frog next to Kaitlin, it gave a disgruntled ribbet, then continued hopping in time to the olliphant's slow walk.

'Er, what's put you in this fine mood this mornin' dude stud?' Sarahman asked innocently.

'You _really_ want to know?' Kaitlin asked just as innocently. Sarahman nodded.

'_Your_ breath.'

'Oh?'

'Yes.'

'Why?'

'_Well,_' Kaitlin began, 'I found out this morning from your wake up call that it is a strange concoction of mayonnaise, eggs, an assortment of different drugs, plain bacteria and stink bugs.' Sarahman smiled, unfortunately Kaitlin was close enough to see some poor insects amputated leg twitching violently between his blackened teeth.

'Wow dude! You should like totally be one of those copper breath tester people man! You like totally got it all right! If I was some crazy loono dude who had been drink riding, or taking illegal substances, I would like, totally be in jail man!' If only, thought Kaitlin.

'What I really meant to say is, er, let me spell this out for you… YOUR BREATH STINKS SO MUCH I NEARLY WENT INTO A COMA.'

'WoW Dude! No WAY man! So what your sayin' is, I don't need to go into delusions with drugs, all I need is my breath?'

'Yes.'

'Wow! That bad huh?'

'Yes. Smell for yourself.'

Sarahman began trying to blow up his own nostrils, which wasn't hard considering how large his nose was. Sarahman's pupils dilated and his eyes glazed over.

'That should keep him quiet for a while.' Despite her reasons, Kaitlin felt disturbingly guilty for that small deed, but in reality, she was doing everyone a favour.

The olliphant plodded on with precision, it was going so slow she might as well have walked, and anyway, why was her father so obsessed with these creatures? One of the black horses would have been better. What really made Kaitlin angry was the way he treated the poor creatures! The nails that poked cruelly out of the horse hooves, the sticky congealed blood on the flanks where they were repeatedly kicked with spurs. A tear slid down her cheek, it was so cruel.

Kaitlin and co, were slowly approaching a thick forest, she drank in the fresh minty air of crushed pine leaves. Oh how she loved forests, she preferred them so much more then the wide-open planes, the damp fresh smell favoured above the smell of dust and charcoal.

Suddenly there was a very badly played chord coming from a tall large oak tree. Kaitlin scratched her head thoughtfully; not many Orks played the loot, or birds. There was another chord strike, and then a test hum, as if the player was using the badly played G chord as a guiding note for the beginning of the song. Suddenly the " Musician" jumped from the tree, strumming his loot enthusiastically, and… singing.

'_Ohhhhh, what be a fair lady like ye _

_doing over the planes?_

_Dancing about the flowers, _

_Leading a moonlight pony…_Okay, maybe not, Or that be the weirdest looking pony I've ever had the fortune to meet.'

Kaitlin looked the -what could only be an- elf, up and down. He was dressed in a sky blue tunic, a crest of a goat wearing a black and white tailcoat riding on a strange machine consisting of two wheels embroidered on the chest. The thing the goat was riding looked like some kind of artificial horse, a modified cart, not something she imagined you could balance on like that goat was doing. Kaitlin was beginning to dread starting that school, it seemed the people there might be not what you'd call sane. She looked up into the Elf's dark mischievous eyes.

'The name is Haldir,' he said, sticking out a strong muscular arm, fortunately with a hand on the end, not that Kaitlin was looking as she was far to engrossed in his biceps. He coughed and managed to gain Kaitlin's attention once more. She was about to shake the hand when he gently lifted it up to his lips and kissed it. Kaitlin couldn't help but smile. 'So you are Kaitlin, and that is?' He asked pointing in the 'stoned' Sarahman's direction.

'Sarahman.'

'Oh?'

'One of G-Gandalf's friends,' she stuttered, she had never seen an elf before, and this was a gorgeous young male one.

'mmm,' he murmered knowingly, 'drugey?' Kaitlin nodded. The elfs eyes moved from her face to that of the pony on a leech. Kaitlin gulped as his dark brown hair (Dyed) with subtle golden highlights wavered in the breeze. 'Well I know how to fix that up,' he stated cheerfully before waltzing over to stand in front of Sarahman's glazed eyes. 'It is a remedy my mother taught me… believe you me I know about addictions! Twas' tea, I'm allergic you know. The only thing to wake me up from those rides…' He put his head at an inquiring angle, as if studying the old man, then thumped him hard in the face with his fist.

'OW-Ow Dude! Watch where you put your friggin' fist Stud man.' There was another hollow sound as Haldir's fist came into contact with Sarahman's jaw once again.

'Stop it!' Cried softy Kaitlin as she leapt… no no, walked of the Olliphant.

'Dude! OW STUD!' There was another thud.

'Wow old guy, what have you been smoking!?' Haldir said with much confusion before hitting the ball gown-wearing weirdo again.

'STOP IT HALDIR!' Kaitlin said holding onto the Elf's arm.

'He's still in a trance!' replied the elf. 'Can't you here all the garbled nonsense that escapes his mouth?'

'He always talks like that!' There was another thud. 'What was that for?' Kaitlin inquired crossly, 'I told you what was wrong with him!'

'I know I know!' said Haldir, 'I was on a roll, his head is so brittle to the punch, it makes an amusing crunching noise, you should try.'

'Oh Ok,' Kaitlin stepped forward. 'NO! What am I doing? Arg!' She let out a noise to show her frustration, yet to the others, she only succeeded in sounding like a drunken pirate.

Sarahman rubbed his face defensively. 'Man! Your fist is friggin' hard!' he said, stating the obvious.

The elf scratched his chin thoughtfully, and lifted up his beautifully carved loot, that was missing more then a few strings, then strummed it enthusiastically.

'_Oh, Sarahman _

_had a face like a pan_

_once Haldir hit him in the face!_

_His nose was askew_

_His mouth black and blue_

_And his cheeks like a hole-y suitcase.' _Kaitlin couldn't help but clap; Haldir sang so beautifully, pity about his loot playing. Haldir bowed with a grin on his face and a mischievous glint in his eye.

'Ow man that hurts, that hurts dude.' Sarahman added deeply clutching the frail corset covered area where his heart was.

'Oh what ever… "stud"!' Haldir tested the word, and found it far from his liking. 'Go back to the charcoal pits where you came from, I'll assist Kaitlin from here on.' Haldir lifted his hand and flicked it dismissively at him. 'Shoo shoo now. There's a good… "dude"' (poor poor Sarahman, the 'uncool' old guy unable to stand up to the trendy strong elf, besides, the elf had a good pair of lungs on him, and fists.)

'Yes Sarahman,' Kaitlin added, a lot more kindly then Haldir. 'I'll be fine. Send my love to father.'

Sarahman sniffed and nodded, he promised himself he wouldn't do it, but he already felt his all ready watery eyes moisten. 'I'll miss you, don't forget to come back and marry me.. Man' he said almost forgetting his hippy slang. 'We are still betrothed you know.'

Kaitlin patted the old man's vein knotted hand holding the reigns of his frog. 'No we are not, Father was thinking about it, but we are not betrothed yet.' She almost added the "and I hope we will never be PRUNE face" then controlled herself.

'Yeah, push off now, there's a good fellow.' Said Haldir, realising he had to talk kindly to the old fellow, who was not quite there. Kaitlin handed Sarahman his rucksac.

'Bye,' Sarahman said feebly, tears streaming down his face, 'I love you… stud.' Both Kaitlin and Haldir shuddered. Then the old man put on his viel, sat correctly in the side saddle position, and tapped the frogs er.. flanks with his hand. The frog turned, then leapt, leaping and bounding Gayly (?) into the distance. Sarahman's veil waving in the breeze behind him, like a runny marshmallow.

Kaitlin had to elbow the wide eyed elf standing next to her in a daze. 'That,' he said, 'was the weirdest thing I have ever seen…'

**Don't you just love these characters?… cough…**


	11. The plot Twists: CAITLIN

**Happy New Year to all! Hope you all had a good xmas! Thanks to those who reviewed chapter 9! Sorry it has been nearly two weeks since I have updated, but the cousins came round and there was no time for writing. I also have more cousins coming so it may be about two weeks again before I can update. But here is chapter, what is it now? 10? Yes that's right! This is the chapter where the plot twists! A twisted story by a twisted author for twisted readers… No offense meant. Anyway Chapter 12 will be the introducing of the Mary-Sues! YAY!**

**P.S Reviews are welcome!**

Morning dawned spectacularly. A huge array of colours licked the sky. (Unhygienic I know) Pinks, reds, yellows you name it. The company woke up early, some still bleary eyed after the jokes and dramas of the previous night, namely Legolas, and of course he needed his beauty sleep. Really needed it. As the day progressed, ankles were sprained on stones, mud was splattered on sky blue uniforms, and several more tree dwellers were needlessly slaughtered, only to return un-logically back into the story. The sky above darkened, and something grumbled.

'Wow, it's getting dark already. Hang on We've skipped lunch!' Glorfindal cried with disdain. 'We've skipped lunch! OH! I'm A GROWING man and we've skipped lunch! I'm going to die.' He whispered. 'I've skipped lunch, it's like what mum said, skip a meal and you die! We're all going to die! NO NO!! I'm too young! Too YOUNG! WHY WHY?!!! WHY OH CRUEL MIDDLE EARTH WHY!'

'Glorfindal! You're such a NARGAL! DUH! It's only been 2 hours since breakfast!'

'Why is it so dark then?! Huh?! It is you that is the Nargal!'

'Tis' going to rain.' There was another loud grumble of thunder from above, and a big wet liquid drop landed plop on the ground. 'I was right so nar.'

'No you're not, Brunwitbret just has a runny nose.'

Caitlin began to grumble to herself under her breath. This was why she didn't like elves. They talked too much, and spent all their time trying to be noble intelligent creatures, when more then half of them weren't. If she could just find some more imp, she wouldn't have to listen to the arguments anymore. But then again, it would mean that she would then have to carry the bags.

She kicked a nearby stone with frustration, making it sail through the air, and over the cliff they were now approaching.

'Ouch! Cried somebody. 'Darn. It's rainin' dem blooidy rocks 'gain! Hate this stoopid place! Too many bloomin' countryside thins' like rocks and clean air.' The voice added in a strange accent, and there were a few grunts in agreement. That was when Caitlin realised, they were not alone.

'Quick! Hide!' Cried Legolas, they could be Orcs, or even worse, Hoddits; the disgusting squat fat creatures, with lice ridden mops and huge hairy feet. More ape-like, primitive and _ugly_ then humans, how could they possibly be considered creatures of intelligence? But then again most elves had never seen them.

Legolas darted gracefully behind a large shrub-like shrub, and Caitlin followed swiftly after. There they crouched quietly while panic greased the trees above them.

'Hide you idiots! Hide!' Shouted a tree dweller. Caitlin could only just see their light dappled forms jumping from branch to branch, trying to climb into tree hollows the size of a fist, and not even pushing the inhabitants out before hand. There were several painful squirrel squeaks and one irritated hoot, as several of the porters lost a finger or two. Brunwitbret could be seen hugging a branch upside down whilest trying to disguise himself as a tree sloth. Glorfindal who had woken up on the forest floor that morning, with an awful headache was unsuccessfully trying to blend in to the tree bark, in the bright yellow heavily embroidered clothing of an elf lord. Nindac was still finding a way to navigate his head into one of the fist sized tree hollows, whilest the owl inside (who was rather angry due to the fact that his nap had been so rudely interrupted,) was pushing him out aggressively with its beak.

No matter how much Caitlin and Legolas were enjoying watching the panic and disarray, one of them had to do something before they were discovered.

'Freeze!' Caitlin barely had to shout to get them to react instantly, or actually, barely had to whisper. The elves were still far more scared of her and her chainsaw, then they were of a whole army of Orcs, Hoddits, and leeches. (Elves hate leeches, partly to do with the fact that they have no eyes, they suck your blood, and are generally jus down right ugly, but mostly because in some parts in Middle Earth they could be more then a few meters long.)

'You are up in the trees,' she added very quietly. 'And, believe it or not, you are hidden well from view by leaves, which, extraordinarily enough, grow on the particular trees you are hidden in. The only way anyone could tell something was up there is if they continued to talk, or to scream and squeal like little she-elves, as you were doing. So, I suggest you shut up and stay as still as possible, or not only will you have to deal with whatever is just over that cliff face, but me too.' There were a few of those dramatic gasps that always follow a threatening lecture by Caitlin, then silence. 'Good. Now I am going to crawl over to the cliff edge and see what creatures dwell there, and what they are up to, meanwhile, you lot are going to stay here, and not move or talk. OK?'

A few of the elves nodded their heads, but were elbowed sharply by their neighbours, who were then elbowed back and so on and so forth. (As they were told not to move, that included nodding, and the elbowing that followed as the neighbour reminded the nodder, who then reminded the neighbour, with a good elbowing, that elbowing was moving too, who then was reminded again by the neighbour that he had just elbowed him, etceteras etceteras.) (Hope that explained it.)

'Ok, now I am going.'

'Me too,' said Legolas with a grin. 'What? You don't expect me to let you have all the fun?'

**So what do you think of this chapter? Please review to tell me!**


	12. Getting to know Haldir: KAITLIN

Hello everyone! I managed to get chapter 11 in before the cousins came, and it's an extra long one in case I miss a week of writing, so chapter 12 will hopefully be up in a week or 2. By the way… What did you think of Haldir's 'Oh Sarahman' poem? Thank you to those that reviewed chapter 10 aka Hotdogfish (hope you find a long enough leach.) and Kaitlin, sos it was a bit short. Please review this chapter people.

**Btw: to silver sock eater (aka KAITLIN) thank you for the support… cough.**

'So what they say is true,' continued Haldir from the previous chapter, ' Gandalf's lot were all a little bit cuckoo up there, Radaghast, Souron, all of them. Though I have to admit, that Sarahman seems to have a few more screws loose then Gandalf!' Kaitlin had never met Gandalf, but she agreed anyway.

'Well, we'd better continue walking,' said Kaitlin as she detached the pony from the leech, and used a normal rope instead. She found leeches were particularly hard to hold onto as they were so slimy, and the pony's supply of blood was far from infinite. She dropped the leech onto the forest floor, before covering it in salt. A nasty way to die, but she couldn't have it breeding all over the place. It started fizzing.

'Gods that's disgusting,' Haldir stated the obvious. Kaitlin shrugged, she was used to it. Leeches were used a lot in Mordork, so was salt. She sat down on the Olliphant, and it started trotting. 'Strange animal you've got there, Lady Kaitlin, what's that long dangly thing in the middle of its face?' Haldir said, walking alongside and holding the rope the iron-lacking pony was harnessed too.

'It's its trunk.'

'Oh really? What does it keep in there?' Haldir questioned again, lifting up the Olliphant's nose and peering into its nostrils. 'I can't see anything, awfully compact space for one's belongings wouldn't you say? Dark too.'

'No No. It's an Olliphant, the trunk is really just a long nose.' Kaitlin answered, no longer self-conscious in front of the elf, the before hand conversation was a real icebreaker.

'OH! I _see._ Rather an ugly thing isn't it? Looks like it got its nose stuck in a door, and tried unsuccessfully to pull it out, therefore stretching it obscenely in the process.' The Olliphant stared at him, it did not understand the common tongue, but it did understand the universal word – ugly. 'Creepy too.' Haldir added five minutes later when the sensitive animal continued its staring. 'Reminds me of Galadriel, she stares at people like that when she is talking in their head, or just listening in. Always found her a little intruding.'

'Is she one of the teachers at the prestigious school?' Kaitlin questioned, her father had used that word somewhere when describing it to her.

'Why yes actually. You know, you are one of the first girls to go to the school? I heard there was another one of your species attending, name uncommonly familiar to yours, spelt with a C though, I think. Very tall apparently, gothic too. Strangely partial to imp powered chainsaws.' Kaitlin nodded, her father had this obsession too. 'I always thought they were illegal. There was an exhibit at this museum I went to, I believe there was one put out that morning on display, and it was stolen some point during that day.'

Wow, a real antique! Her father's chainsaws were just reconstructions, but this person who stole it had the last one left after the national imp-powered chainsaw burnings just before the signing of the "Impess is peoples to" pacts! (Imps may call themselves people of intelligence, but this intelligence was minimal, hence the spelling of the pact) (The pact states somewhere that "Us impes is not too be harmeed in any ways!" However, evil tends to disregard these "pacts", as they would do any law.) What her father would give to get his hands-er I mean eye on that!

Time passed rapidly, the interesting conversations about music and Olliphants made it fly by in a flurry of feather shedding wings. Sun filtered thinly through the thick canopy of the large pine forest, and looking around carefully, Kaitlin could see several other kinds of tree, deciduous and coniferous. Several of them were huge golden trees that towered magnificently over the rest, it was amazing she had even seen the pine trees before these giants.

'What kind of trees are these?' Kaitlin said, as the Olliphant plodded on in gear 1, the highest gear in its capacity.

'Special ones that belong only to the forests of Lothlorien, big aren't they.'

'Yeah…' Kaitlin breathed the word out breathlessly. Haldir looked at the sand timer on his wrist, Kaitlin never bothered with one of those, she found that the only way of it showing an accurate time, was if you didn't move.

'Blasted thing! Don't know why I bother with them!' Haldir pulled it of and chucked it on the floor… then stamped on it. 'Let's stop, it's getting darker, and here's as good as any place to spend the night.' He tethered the two Nobel Steeds to a small beach tree, then began climbing the big mummer of a tree next to it.

'What are you doing?' Kaitlin questioned inquisitively. Haldir was now pulling up the belongings behind him.

'Making hammocks of course, you don't expect us to sleep on the ground do you? Its all hard and stony, besides you should see all the horrid scary night creatures that can maul you while you are asleep. We aren't in the safe haven yet malady, and luckily the nightmare creatures can't climb.'

The pony and Olliphant, I remind you, do not know the common tongue, but as always, the universal sentence of "there are nasty nightmare creatures that come and maul you while you are sleeping on the forest floor" was as understood as the universal word "ugly". It really is surprising how fast a pony and an Olliphant can gnaw through a rope and climb a huge tree in less then 10 seconds. Kaitlin looked up to see them perched precariously on one of the top most branches.

'Come on Kaitlin, the sun is nearly set, I don't want to see you mauled!'

Kaitlin, though smallish, could climb nearly as well as her Olliphant when need permitted, and was soon sitting next to Haldir, panting softly. In only a matter of minutes the hammocks were slung securely between two branches very near the top of the tree. Haldir made sure not to tie them underneath the animals, in case their clumsy hooves miss placed them. All their belongings were tied onto the tree next to them, and unfortunately, due to their height and the flammable being they were seated high upon, there was no fire to warm their dinner (they skipped lunch.). Though it was still a delicious meal, and it consisted of dried fruit and nuts.

After the satisfying meal, the two new friends quickly got into their sleeping bags on their hammocks, at least Haldir did, Kaitlin took a little longer as she was not used to the ordeal involved. Kaitlin lay back and looked up at the stars, a way in the distance the sky was thick with angry black clouds vomiting lightning onto the countryside.

'Gosh, I hope that doesn't come our way!' Kaitlin said woefully to Haldir, she didn't want to get wet.

Haldir glanced at her, then in the direction she was looking. 'Nah. It'll be ages before it reaches us, it's at least 2 days walk away…' With no warning at all, Haldir broke into song, however, there was no badly made loot to accompany his voice.

'Thunder and lightning

Are extremely frightening

When you're high up in a tree

But if you're safe in bed

There's no need to become dead

Unless you go down for a wee.'

'Why Wee?'

'Because if you went down for a wee you'd get mauled.'

'Oh yeah!' Recognition hit Kaitlin hard. 'But what if you are in bed in a tree? Then the tree gets struck by lightning, it sets on fire then crashes down splattering you?'

'Ruin a good song by getting technical why don't you. This Middle Earth would be a very boring place if everyone said "What if?" wouldn't it?' Haldir lectured. ' Besides, that's like a million to one chance.'

'Ok, but I don't want to get all the stuff wet!'

Haldir sighed dramatically, got out of his hammock found a waterproof sheet of material and suspended it like an angled roof above their heads.

'Happy now?'

'Yes thank you… Haldir.'

'Your welcome…Kaitlin, good night, remember don't fall out of your hammock.'

'Ok, you too.'

'Ok.'

'Good night, oh, bless you.'

'Thank you, just a bit of hay fever. Goodnight to you too.'

After that long, pointless conversation, the too weary travellers lost themselves in the world of dreams, each of them wondering what was to befall them the next day.

**So what do you think? Please review.**


	13. Revenge of the not so marysues: CAITLIN

A/N

It has been nearly half a year. Please don't be too angry, im sorry I havent updated for ages! But here is chapter 12, sort of the introduction of the not so mary-sues. Should be a good chapter too. Year 11 is hard work though, I know its not really a good excuse, but hopefully I'll write more in the coming hols (in 5 days). Just want to say this has nothing against the director of the LOTR movies, its just a bit of fun (I do like the movies) Have fun reading this and please review. You might also find my writing has improved… hopefully. Anyways, as I was saying…plllleaaaaase review people!

PS What do the mary-sues want to be called?

'Ok, now I am going.'

'Me too,' said Legolas with a grin. 'What? You don't expect me to let you have all the fun?'

Continue:

Legolas promptly dropped into a crouch, eyeing the muddy forest floor disdainfully before lying flat along its surface. He stuck out his elbows, and began to army crawl. Caitlin sighed and shook her head at him, then walked over to the cliff edge as silently as a philosophical theory. (E.G does a tree falling in an isolated forest make a noise if there is no one to hear it?) She lay down on the ground easing herself slightly over the edge so she was able to peer over. Several minutes later legolas joined her, grunting slightly, army crawling was hard. He turned his head to face Caitlin and grinned, he had made it, he was far too stubborn to admit, though, that walking was quicker and besides, army crawling added _atmosphere._

'Theise blooidy stoines, and blooidy triees, and blooidy bluie skys are soi blooidy annoiying!' whined the same thickly accented voice.

'yes- yes you said-,'

'-I meain, what's the point of triees?'

'yes-now-'

'-wheire's all the blooidy paiper, what's the point of having theim if theiy're noit choipped doiwn foir blooidy paiper!'

'may I interrup-'

'And thait blooidy sky! Thait bluie colouir maikes me naiuseous!'

'-yes YES! All that _blooidy _country stuff. NOW CAN I speak!'

Caitlin started slightly at the exclamation made by someone from below, thankfully lacking the annoying accent of the first. She could just make out a maximum of 12 variously different shaped, gender, sized and clothed humans seated in a ring about 15 metres down at the bottom of the small cliff. At the centre of the ring was a _campfire_. It was definitely a _campfire_ and not an ordinary fire, as the logs were arranged in the typical tee-pee fashion with a neat circle of stones surrounding it, and someone was holding a guitar.

Legolas was staring down in horror at the congregation of people, their dress sense was absolutely appalling.

The ranting of the 'thickly accented person' stopped immediately.

'Thank you!' Caitlin nodded approvingly, the speaker was obviously the leader of the small band of ridiculously dressed people, she (yes a she, Caitlin could tell as she was a lot less hairy than some of the others) showed such authority and had a slight aura of power about her. 'Now, why are we here? Many of you are probably thinking.' There was the typical grumble of agreements one always finds after a general question everyone is thinking is stated. 'We are here amongst this "_Blooidy aiweful coiuntry stuff"_' She paused to glare at the 'thickly accented person', 'because we are stuck here, and we feel marginalized, dispriveliged, and unwelcome by this worlds _native_ inhabitants!' There were more typical grumbling of agreements, this time the type one always finds after a general opinion everyone is thinking is stated.

Caitlin was surprised, these were not normal people, did the lady not say 'unwelcome by this worlds _native_ inhabitants'? They also had strange accents and weird clothing and hairstyles (someone amongst the crowd had electric blue hair).

'Just this morning an elf from that _prestigious_ school came up to me and said 'you smell' right to my face. Then, he had the audacity to state 'like a snotty immigrant human'. I'm sorry, but, I just don't think I can work under these conditions. In fact, I don't think I should have to work at all, or have to meet in secret to avoid consequences! Why should we be forced to work for these so called _natives_? They say we have to because we are illegal immigrants from an unknown world, and they do not listen…_listen_ when we tell them that we did not want to be _here_ in the first place!' There were more outcries of agreement, and one person said 'I did' but was purposely ignored by the rest. 'I say we have had _enough_ of this!' more outcries, this time growing even more enthusiastic. 'I say we should _stand_ up to these timeless oppressors! I say we should organise,' she paused, the crowd was enthralled in silence, waiting with baited breath for the end of the sentence. So were Caitlin and Legolas. '…_organise_ a _revolution_!' The whole crowd, consisting of the twelve people, erupted into shouts of excitement and agreement. Glorfindal, who had been listening from the tree tops, was so enwrapped in the moment he shouted in agreement too. Caitlin froze waiting for the band of people below to notice, however they were far too taken up in their own moments to do so.

Caitlin couldn't help but snigger, there were only twelve of them, how could they possibly stand up to an entire school of 'training to be elf wardens' 'delinquents' and 'softies'?

'We have over 5000 fellow earthlings spread out over this 'middle country', and you are their representatives.' Caitlin gasped. 'We have a chance to turn this world upside down with chaos!' the crowd _really _was excited now. 'We have a chance! Then we will find our way out of this _this_ hell and teach that director/dictator a lesson!' more excitement, 'Finally, I have just one more thing to say…. UP YOURs JACKMAN!' The crowd broke into screams of triumph.

Caitlin had to pull away, she had never seen so much pent up aggression, not even in herself. Hers was just aggression, or sadistic behaviour, it was not so raw and hateful as that!

She glanced at Legolas, he was nearly white with surprise. He had never heard someone use so many _italic sounding_ words in a speech. He found it really portrayed how hate filled she was feeling, he also found it, in a strange way, a little inspiring. He swallowed loudly, it was not a gulp, just a way to show his slight nerves at being in a place where around 5000 people were going to expel those italic words and pent up rage.

Well, Caitlin thought on the bright side, she wasn't going to have to bust up that school, the earthling mary-sues would do that for her. They had a few mary-sues working for her father's people back at home,(a few meaning around 500), that was bad news for them, there was so much rage in amongst that small group Caitlin just new that would have an impact, even with a ratio of 1 mary-sue to 150 elves. Caitlin almost felt sorry for her family, almost…. Wait one second, that wasn't the bright side, she enjoyed making people's lives a living hell, she wasn't just going to let some 5000 other people spoil the fun for her!

Wow, somehow, she was going to have to put a stop to this, to do something nice and warn someone. Well, not something nice, as she was really only saving the fun for herself. She looked at Legolas with a grin, he was looking back with a mischievous glint in his eyes, and a cunning smile. 'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?'

A/N End of chapter 12, 1153 words. Excellently fantastic wasn't it? the plot thickens (and you thought it wouldn't have one… cough) Please review! I WANT OPINIONS. MWHAHAHA

PS, who do you feel sorry for? the middle earthlings, or the mary-sues?


	14. Morning Happenings and Cuisine: KAITLIN

A/N Here is a lovely long chapter for you all to read (Kaitlin will be happy that it is long). There is some good advise from me at the bottom of the page in reference to the chapter.

Can everyone who reads this chapter please review, I just want to see how many people read this story, and to know what you think. **And please can the Mary-Sues tell me what they want to be called very soon, because I need to start the next chapter as quickly as possible so I can post it up before the week is out.** _If not then I'll have to make up names. _Thank you, and enjoy.

Kaitlin woke to the teeth-grinding noise of Haldir practicing the loot. He strummed it once, and then continuously for about eight beats before one of the strings snapped with a 'twang'. He swore, checked out the damage, then continued playing with as much enthusiasm as before. Kaitlin had to resist the urge to step over the side of the hammock (or jump); what she really wanted was to get away from the Medieval Jimmy Hendrix Disgrace as fast as she could.

She groaned, waiting for Haldir to notice that she was awake, and then perhaps to stop the incessant cacophony. Nothing happened, the playing continued. He was obviously 'one' with the music. She groaned louder, this time her efforts had result.

'Oh, good morning Lady Kaitlin,' he stammered, face flushed, he hadn't realised someone was listening. 'Just practicing my G chord, I used to be a bit so-so at it, but it's coming along, don't you agree?' He blinked his eyes appealingly at Kaitlin.

'Um…,' he blinked again waiting for the _positive _response Kaitlin just could _not_ give him. She had always been told to lie except in 'hurtful truth' situations; but she was never really good at it, the truth came naturally to her.

'Oh…Err, it certainly is interesting; love your posture though, the way you strum that G is just perfect.' It was ok to bend the truth, or avoid it slightly when needed. His posture really was very… enticing, pity about the loot. Haldir's face brightened considerably, he was proud of that, all of his late loot teachers (he had been through many) congratulated him on his posture. (Each one had tried, in vain, many a time, to make him get a new instrument, but his loot was a family heirloom, an antique, and it certainly sounded that way. Eventually they had all given up, sighing with utter disappointment at the waste of talent, 'If I hear one more _antique_ chord, I'll----I'll Throw myself out of that window!' The last note they heard was that famous G chord. The school had lost much good loot, and many a good loot teacher in trying to encourage Haldir in his interests, unfortunately now they had given up, the funeral expenses and damage costs to directly-below students were just too much.)

'Why thank you; care for breakfast? Hand picked blackberries, and cold porridge from yesterday. It's still a bit dark, and I can't start a fire in the tree.' Haldir offered her a wooden bowl full.

'Yes thanks,' Kaitlin took it gratefully, then glanced up into the tree top. The olliphant, and pony were still balanced on a surprisingly sturdy little thin branch. Normally it is hard to read a pony and an olliphant's expressions, but Kaitlin could tell they were terrified. Ah yes, she remembered, the maulers. A rabid growl from below made her grateful she was up in the tree; no wonder the animals seemed almost able to defy gravity on that precarious little twig, fear must have given them super animal lightness.

'We should be able to climb down in a few minutes, the sun is nearly up, and the maulers will have to go and lurk somewhere shadowy. They turn in to butterflies if they are exposed to sunlight you know,' Haldir stated matter-of-factly. Kaitlin nodded thoughtfully in response, she had heard of these creatures before.

'Are they not called Pritty-Fly-Maulers?' Kaitlin questioned.

'No, but close, they are called, Nasty-Night-Maulers-Pritty-Day-Butterfly-When-Exposed-To-Sunlight, I believe, unfortunately the discoverer of the creatures died a few days after from serious injurys-,'

'-Brought on by mauling?' Kaitlin interrupted helpfully.

'Why yes. Lucky it was around sunrise, so they could only maul him for a few minutes until they turned into butterflies. When he was found a couple of hours later, however, he was rather delirious from pain, and so when the rescuers asked him the traditional question 'Who did this to you?' that everyone asks someone who has just been mauled, he replied Nasty-Night-Maulers-Pritty-Day-Butterfly-When-Exposed-To-Sun-Light. No one can be bothered to change the title to a more suitable and scientific name, so we just shorten it to Night-Mauler, usually.' Haldir was an _encyclopaedia_ of Knowledge.

'Well I never.'

'We studied them last year in biology, absolutely fascinating.' Haldir obviously thought so, as not even an hint of sarcasm could be distinguished in his voice.

Suddenly, there was the angelic choir of music that accompanies every Middle-Earth sunrise, and the sun shot into the sky. Then …there was a 'pooof' as one of the Night-Maulers had been caught out in the suns golden rays, having not taken shelter in time. The beautiful or I quote 'pritty' silver and metallic pink winged insect floated effortlessly up the trees. Kaitlin stuck out her finger to let it settle, and the butterfly perched there.

'YEOUCH!' she cried. The butterfly, having taken a tiny chunk out of her finger, sniggered in a squeaky little voice.

'Oh, you've got to watch out for those pink ones, nasty little chompers.' Haldir placed a hand on either side of the butterfly, and then brought them together with force. There was a nauseating little squishy noise, and then silence as the butterfly's snigger was cut short. Haldir then inspected the catch, plucking off the wings and keeping them while the body sped through the air onto the forest floor. Several cannibalistic (and stupid) Night-Maulers that had been waiting in the early morning shadows, fell for the bait and tried to pounce on the carcass, resulting in several more 'pooofs' of colour, as the sunlight exposed them.

Haldir proceeded to nibble delicately on a pink and silver wing.

'What _are_ you doing?' Kaitlin had eaten, and seen other people eat, many strange things in her life, but never a butterfly wing. To be honest, she was quite revolted.

'They really are delicious; of course only the pink ones have the edible wings. A delicacy you know. Care to try?' he offered the other beautifully intricate wing, 'It's only fair really, it took a bite of you, why not take a bite of it?' Haldir, along with being and encyclopaedia of knowledge, had impeccable logic, and a fine understanding of cuisine.

Kaitlin took the wing hesitantly, then nibbled the edge. 'Mmm, tastes a little like my father's home fried (or _eyed_ Souron would have been inclined to add) possum eyeballs.'

'Yuk!' exclaimed Haldir.

'No really, they have quite an _unique_ taste. I'll have to give you one to try some time.'

After a few more minutes of recipe sharing, and cookery tips, the two managed to get themselves, and their belongings, together. The next task was to try and coax the gravity defying animals out of the tree, which took a while. It was easy climbing up when you had environmental-law-altering _fear_ on your side, getting down when you didn't was, quite frankly, hard. If it worked before, it will work again, thought Kaitlin; and so she shouted up the tree, 'Fine, stay there, but the Day-Mauler birds climb these trees. So don't blame me if you get pecked to death!' This certainly had the desired effect. As the creatures were not the forest's native inhabitants they were none the wiser to this non-existent threat; so they descended the tree quickly and without mishap.

With pony, olliphant and belongings all in check, Haldir and Kaitlin plodded along the forest path; each involved in light-heated conversation with the other, and every step bringing them closer to their destination.

A/N Here ends the chapter of Early Morning Happenings and cuisine ideas (I do not recommend possum eyes for human consumption, fried or not, I have never tried them, but if you're into that kind of thing…ok)

PLEASE review, I absolutely love receiving them! As it tells me what you all think of my _interesting _creations.

PS Someone once told me (randomly of course, it's not like I go round eating people) that Cannibalism is wrong. I encourage you all to take heed of that advise.


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